#BERNIE & #HILLARY #Debate their diet plans
By Kat Walker
BERNIE: Ok. Do you know what? I have a diet plan. Wait! Let me tell you about this diet plan, don’t interrupt me!
My plan–and this has been done successfully in many other countries–Estonia. France. Germany does this. Are those people fat? NO.
When you think of Estonians, you think of women who are in the top, top, 1/10 of 1% of hotness and, overall physical shape. That’s not fair, no.
Our people work hard and they deserve to be hot, too! Visible abdominal muscles are not just for the Board of Directors of Goldman Sachs and executives running Blue Cross! This system is crazy. We are the only country that accepts this level of obesity and lack of visible discernment between the buttocks and thigh. Most of the world calls that “thass”.
No other developed country stands by while the bulk of their citizens become bulky. We do. We do.
HILLARY: My diet plan, and you can see it from my record – I’m the only one who has been successfully wearing pantsuits from law school to menopause, so I know a thing or two about diets. The only cameltoes to be found on my record are in Benghazi.
My record shows that my Diet Plan works, I have been fighting for American abdominals for decades. Nineties-style crop-tops are “in”, and you know what? Middle-class Americans simply don’t have access to the type of midsection that would even dare them to take one step out of the Target fitting room.
That’s why we need my proven plan to cap-and-trade Carbohydrates. I’m not just a strong hand on the nuclear launch codes. I’m the only one who has proven from day one to be able to get Americans to put down the Wonder Bread.
BERNIE: If I may speak! – You’ve got entire families here, Mom goes to pilates now and then, the kids play a sport after school, Dad is on the company softball team. But is it enough????
No! They are all still clinically obese. Grandad is now fused to the Barcalounger and it sometimes takes the fire department to hoist him to bingo at the church on sunday. The twins got insulin-pumps implanted for their 10th birthdays!
Under my plan, the Bernie Sanders diet plan, the government–like they do in the rest of the developed world by the way–will metabolize the bulk of calories consumed by middle-class Americans. Saddlebags, lunchlady arms, enough chins to do all the factory jobs shipped overseas, people are suffering!
We have been told by Wall Street fat cats that we just need to tighten our belts! Tighten our belts! While they are eating steak with Béarnaise for lunch, using all sorts of loopholes like Atkins and lap bands and acai pills from the internet to avoid weight gain, the good majority of this country is told to stuff down Subway at their desk, no Dr. Pepper, no mayo, hold the ham! This is not a moral failing! We have our FUPA stacked up against us because the system is stacked up against us!!!!
HILLARY: Senator, you weren’t able to enact your plan in your home state and you have had decades to do it. In my decades of fighting for this country, we have gone from Richard Simmons to marathon SoulCycle sessions. It burns but it’s effective. Like me.
Look at New York City. Those are not pockets of fat those are Juvaderm injections. My state, New York, has the fittest people in America, (outside of L.A.) Sexy as all hell–models, fashion people, Beyonce, those rich kids of instagram – that’s all my record.
People can judge me for what I’ve done. And I think when somebody’s out in the public eye, that’s what they do. So I’m fully comfortable with who I am, what I stand for, and what I’ve always stood for – I’ve always sucked my stomach in for America.
I’ll rip our problems apart, piece by piece, and gnaw the bones, until every child gets the lipo he deserves.
BERNIE: Look–If I can speak! It’s been done before and we can do it here in America. Take Vermont, my state. Ninety percent of the population of VT had thighs that did that gross bulge thing if they weren’t careful how they crossed their legs in shorts when sitting down. Ninety percent!!!
They still do, because the Governor said that my plan of transferring the calories consumed by residents of Vermont to the state budget would bankrupt the state and give the legislature diabetes. So it was rejected, but I’m the only one who proposed a government takeover of caloric intake. I proposed that! Now it’s trending on twitter: #EraseOurCaloricDebt. I was first! That’s better than any so-called legislative achievements!
HILLARY: But Senator, it’s easy to talk about dieting. I have the record to show that I am strong, like crazy strong, like-deadlift-Vladimir-Putin strong. My plan is made of 100% pure, rippling muscle.Muscle burns more calories than…not muscle. I’m so strong I don’t even know the other materials the human body is made of! All I know is muscle. I will personally absorb and metabolize America’s excess calories, like a Boa swallowing a deer fawn then spending four months digesting it. I am that strong. I’m a Boa Constrictor for America.
BERNIE: You are in the pocket of Big Corn! Wall Street! The Diabetes Lobby paid you $1m to speak at their annual Corngasm Convention. One million dollars! To give a speech at the Bellagio in Vegas! That’s what’s wrong in Washington!
Also, with my plan–let me speak! No one will ever get turned down for sex. You can have sex with whomever you want! They do this in Europe all the time, people have sex with each other. They have sex with whomever they want to have sex with, it’s guaranteed by the government. Here, people here are sweating through their Spanx, wondering if they should just give up and resort to watching amateur German shower-cam videos on youporn instead. Day in, day out! They are trying and not getting laidnearly as much as they do in Norway and Slovenia!!! Not in my America.
When I’m president, everyone will get so, so, very laid. Sex for All will be guaranteed by the federal government, we will amend the U.S. Constitution!!! “From each according to his own ability; To each according to his needs”.
This is my Public Option! Up until now, they’ve been fucking you–the Government, the Big Banks, the Oil Lobby–they have been fucking you how they like it, then rolling over and falling asleep, or, in the case of Wall Street, pulling surprise backdoor-stuff then sobbing audibly from the bathroom at the hollowness of it all while topping up on blow.
When I’m President of the United States, ours will be a A Government *FOR* The People, A Government Rocking the Bodies *OF* The People, all night long, to completion!, and then perhaps a few more times, for the ladies. Like they do in Iceland.
There is a lot of sentiment that enough is enough, that we need fundamental changes, that the establishment — whether it is the economic establishment, the political establishment or the media establishment — is failing to get the American people off!
We are a diverse nation! Doggie-style ? Sailor suits ? Butt-stuff ? My Government will be a Government that is Good, Giving, and Game for ALL Americans!!! Feel the BERN!!!